can't sleep

a strange day for body and spirit. aside from the massive, disastrous fire on queen st. yesterday, the city is feeling odd. tho every time i feel a jolt of angst, i try to smooth myself over with a thought of appreciation... enjoy the time here cos it's almost over. try to savour the feeling of walking east on bloor in the cold mornings, with everyone else, with the car noises and street lights and shops opening up. but i know right now, i can't actually let it into my heart in a real way because i truly feel done here. i know i'm leaving this dirty, messy, stranger-filled, smelly, ugly place and i can hardly wait another day! alas i have... about 4 more weeks to go. but they'll go quickly, and once they do, and i've settled myself hours away... i'll miss it. luckily there will be reason to come visit now and then and i'm sure that will be more than enough. in the meantime why not try to relax and enjoy what's around me... a beer with good friends after work, swimming, seeing live music, art.

tho the emotional tug-of-war is sort of wearing me out, i think. today it feels that way anyway - an old anxiety is building. this afternoon at the office my stomach was tight and mind was racing. i even skipped a good friend's birthday gathering to nurse my unwell, agitated body. but luckily through the years, i've learned what helps ease it: meditation, eating well (less sugar, no junk, no processed stuff, herbal tea instead of coffee), excercise, baths, low stress social outings, and watching the thoughts - keep 'em healthy and positive.

on that note, i shall put myself to bed with ginger tea and imaginations of wide open spaces, fresh air, friendly faces, and all the calmness and pleasantries of a life less city... soon to be reality!