egg shells

Just kissed my love goodbye for the day - he's en route to roof. This boss is tight on safety tho (phew) so he'll have a harness on and I will not worry. He probably won't be home by the time I leave for the city. I've been driving in in the evenings lately, now that the evenings are brighter, and I feel more awake then. Gives me a nice start in the morning - a walk through the city's sidewalk commuters and store openers. I like that buzz time. I also arrive to the office less frazzled... less chance of my clothes being inside out and hair unbrushed.

I need to lay off the donuts. They taste so good in my mouth, but it's getting out of hand! Tho I did start up the "30 day shred" again yesterday. I'm still a thin-ish person but now that I'm 31 it's less of a given, takes some attention. I took a break from exercising but there was no need, so now I'm back on the work out train, a good thing.

Been reading lots of Buddhist-y books. The ones where they tell you to smile at the dinner table, wash the dishes joyfully, walk with intention and feeling. I like these easy reminders to be mindful. That living in the moment is right here: the coziness of my bathrobe, the satisfying click of my fingers pressing keys, the sound of my cat eating breakfast and the birds outside. Life is with you every minute.

I've always liked this quote by Dan Quisenberry, whoever he is: The future is much like the present, only longer.

Update: I wikipedia'd Dan and he's an old baseball pitcher, then poet. RIP. Apparently he pitched "submarine style" which I then proceeded to watch videos of on YouTube. Ah, 2011.

thoughts along the way

A post-work band practice leaves me walking to Union along King St., where I enjoy daydreaming about the other living lives there. Lives that have expensive clothes, condos, late night dinners on restaurant patios, laughter and socializing with similar folk, city air, cigarettes, wine, and work tomorrow (high-salaried, important). I think about years ago, when I was a young cityzen. Dancing on a Wednesday night, laughing with friends, booze, warm dark streets, falafels, city parks, dates, bike rides, and so on. Do I miss it and will I ever return to it? Maybe. Maybe. (30min walk from space to train station).

On the train ride I have with me an iPod and a book. Nerves always take some coaxing to settle so instead of philosophical podcasts I load up the "chilled out" playlist and get into the conclusion of this novel. Finally, the characters make it across the glacier, after 80 or so days of travel, and are welcomed, fed, and taken care of by villagers in the nearest town. (40min train ride from city to suburbia)

A tylenol (busy day at the office... or maybe it was the amplifiers), a big sigh, a big stretch, and I'm off, CBC with me in the passenger seat. First an interview with Geddy & Alex of RUSH (what life would be like as a rock star), then an interview with Diana Athill (I hope I am so well at 91). She says 'silly' is a better disciplinary word than 'naughty' for children, the later being somewhat "dashing". (1.5hr drive from suburbs to country)

The car turns off... I get out and look at the moon. I've been noticing my car's shadow in it for the last 30min of the drive. The stars are faded by its fullness. I screw in the second light bulb, the one beside the front door, because the moths and night bugs are hiding from the cold now. Whiskey is so happy to see me his body slides side to side at the power of his wagging tail. D is waiting up for me. Peace & happiness.

merrily may

Back home...
And spring has arrived!
Lovin' it. Despite laziness, travel, a broken tiller (my fault trying to be handy with the recoil starter. oops), four stitches and a tetanus shot (from washing dishes of all things), I've finally got some seeds in the ground! Radishes, lettuces, spinach, arugula, peas, carrots, beets, and onions are now ready to rock. Soon I'll transplant broccoli, cauliflower, and kale...

While I was away in san fran, D kept almost everything alive ♥ (didn't really need that german thyme anyway), so my small army of seedlings are still happily growing inside, awaiting warmer weather.

San Francisco was lovely. Tho mostly kept busy with work, I managed to get out a see a few things:

Lookout tower at de Young Museum (self-portrait w timer)
Sea Lions!
Redwoods!
I also rode the cable car. Twice.
This was my first time travelling like a grown up (i.e nice hotel, work), and I really enjoyed it, but always so good to be home.

one year later

Gee, it's been one whole year since I moved out of the city. Last March I said goodbye to my lovely downtown Toronto apartment to live in Meaford with D and JP, then after a spring of house-hunting, D & I moved into our beautiful farm here in Fenelon in July. What a difference a year makes...

Spent last weekend and a couple extra days in cities, playing shows with the band. My walk to work on Friday wafted pig smells of the abattoirs below King street. I saw a cop fresh on the scene of a break-in at the LCBO on Queen St... he was dusting for finger prints. (I actually loved seeing him do that - so into that stuff when I was a kid. I remember dusting my bedroom door knob with an old makeup brush and baby powder, comparing my finds to ink prints I'd taken of my brothers' little hands). A couple construction workers were unloading fresh tar out of the back of a truck into a wheelbarrow, then carting and dumping it onto the road, shouting at each other all the while. Men were unloading huge keg barrels into the basements of bars, a hot-dog stand went by on the back of a trailer, on its way to work. Then I got on a streetcar to rattle me the rest of the way north, to sit in front of a computer 7 stories up. Had my friend's apartment to crash at while he's at a gaming conference in San Fran.

The shows were good (Friday night was packed beyond capacity!), and it was good to see friends. La belle province is a long enough drive tho, and they're still allowed to smoke in some venues! But the kids were singing along, and C-lo made an amazing breakfast. Returned to Toronto tired, full of timbits, ready to head home.
Bags packed, on the streetcar, I meet Olive. She's 82 and on her way to a senior's fitness class, then an art class after that. I ask her how she does it and she's all "how do YOU do it!" Should've given her my number. She and her husband used to rent a boathouse up here in the summers.

This morning before 7, tea steeping, my love almost out the door, the pets being cute, the bath almost full, I think "so love life here"... I really really really do.

First flower this morning: a yellow crocus.

streets

just got back to the office, up several stories, up off the streets filled with people of all ages, all directions. noise, colours, movement now inspire not panic but confusion. distracted from my own thoughts, self, direction and often taking moments to collect and breathe, in a funny way, where i smile at my lack of flow here. like a little old lady, smiling in puzzlement, lost but in an okay way. settled by the idea of home, soon enough.

representin'

sitting in rotman, the business building at u of t. d drops me off on campus around 7.45am on his way to work and my office doesn't open till a bit later so i've started coming here first. there is strong uni wifi and a comfy chair in the large foyer that smells like coffee. a large digital stock ticker zips numbers by to my right and the sound of high-heeled shoes echos. lots of suits, hair gel. biz people seem to be highly manicured folk. i'm the frump in jeans, black sneakers, and a cardigan sitting happily with a 3yr old laptop beside an old back-pack with a "rockets red glare" patch on the front.

tonight's our first show in a string of shows. should be fun. till then, time to work.

flowers, babies, and loud guitars

a busy evening subway west to runnemede station, above which i picked up a pink impatien and walked, observing manicured gardens while mentally flipping through newly acquired perennial guidebook. hugged two great friends, shared food, and held children! mb a favorite kindred and her children just jewels. a little late for work this morning savoring the peace and joy of a 6mo old and an almost 2yr old trading places on my lap. agreed to come back for a june afternoon shared birthday celebration (me & the little one). i'll be 29!

now morning, back downtown, at the office. my neck hurts from a month's worth of mysterious strain... computer job? at 6pm i'll meet the boys for a short practice and then journey to hamilton for our rock show, promoting the fresh LP. will be totally fun.

my life is crazy and great but really looking forward to quieter times once settled on the farm. our bassist is having a baby in october so the band will be less busy as well. back to work.

p.s. lavender field

city girl

on the green side of the drive it is open windows and laughter. but once things close up on the road, so does my chest. like a scared dog i gnash teeth and claw, the grey skies clouding my vision and awareness, negativity leaking into my blood where once there was fresh oxygen. finally, avoiding death, we park, but the aftermath of vehicular stress is already deep in my marrow.

shaking on the streets, there is luckily refuge above, twelve stories, in the home of a friend who is away. i storm there, growling at anyone who looks at me, especially the men and the crazies. for i am crazy myself with anger toward the existence of such a place.

then, a knapsack off my back, a big breath, a quiet room.

and the realisation that in only two short weeks i've transformed back into a country mouse, further proof that most likely i always was, despite a decade of trying otherwise.

in trinity bellwoods park, my love, now reconciled, reminds me i live away from here and that this is only a visit. with a kiss, a roti, and a rock show i'm relatively revived. by morning, again willing and walking the streets. early morning streetcar, knee socks, muffin from the cafe... it ain't so bad.

and by mid afternoon, returning from a quick and easy jaw appointment (TMJ gone), sashaying, wanting to sing aloud. for i am young, free, and visiting a great and beautiful city! expensive meals, pleasantries with strangers, heck, a massage appointment for friday at a shmancy yorkville spa (insurance covered of course). this is good, yeah, this is alright.

revisit

wandered queen st. with different eyes. sites that would've once made me flinch or scowl are now "interesting" as i can leave it, not live with it. that sounds negative but what i really want to say is the city is beautiful that way.

met my lovely friend o outside the practice space, so we made dinner plans, and after dinner, returned back to the space to hear what he's been up to. violin and loop pedals and 5 amps. greatness.

this photo is from my last night out as a resident torontonian, with friends.

so long

beer bottles, wine bottles, uninteresting books, unflattering clothes, cobwebs, crumbs, filth in general, freezer burned vegetables, barely used condiments, cans with expiry dates of years past, more plastic bags, rubber bands, and twist-ties than ever needed, bills from 2006, dentist appointment reminders from 2007, take out menus for places i've never heard of, phone numbers i've never called, candidates i've never voted for, upstairs neighbours, landlord, old people who complain about my weeds, bathurst's ugliness, bloor street's trash, streetcars screeching, sirens, the smell of exhaust... adios!

moving away

had a wave of mutil... hesitation wash over me a few days ago. it happened while i was standing on the 4th floor of the four seasons centre for the performing arts (like in this image from their site), watching a ballet performance be workshopped. the beautiful dancers, the building, the strangers... looking out over a busy queen st. i felt really in love with the city. all of its possibilities, all the potentials of myself i could find here if i chose to explore them, the people i could meet and know and love, the importance and excitement of it all... and how i'm leaving it. it shook me and i let myself feel doubt for the first time in awhile. what am i doing? my life here is perfectly set up and great here - why am i going? there are still classes i could take, places to see, people to meet, things to explore... i smoothed myself over with the assurance that this was a temporary feeling, and reminded myself of the frustrations that coincide with living here. besides, perhaps i'll find similar inspirations out of the city too?

--

today was a slotted gym night but got distracted by my wicked stir-fry (2 plates) and a bottle of chardonnay. for 30 seconds i think, "i'll go tomorrow before work!" before acknowledging the very low probability of this. tomorrow after work then. i'm hoping i can find yoga or pick up volleyball or a highschool weight room in meaford and also in future new hometown. tho i will have the outdoors.

dad called with great news about my car situation. i find it amusing and kind of awesome how my family can make plans for me and i'm the last to know. fine by me. dad figures i have too many balls in the air at once so he's offered to lend me his car till the fall. he uses his truck in the spring/summer so it'd be mostly parked anyway. thoughtful papa. i'll have to put new tires on it but since my bro's got garage connections, i'll get a deal and he can put them on for me. team (surname)! come fall i'll buy something of my own, possibly mom's car, but will deal with that when the time comes.

two more weeks till the big move. need more boxes.

on the town

mother & daughter drank, tapped feet to live jazz, laughed at somewhat dirty stand up comedy ("what's a camel toe?"), enjoyed a quiet breakfast out, watched free ballet at the four seasons centre (the walls are glass), explored the "wilds" of allan gardens, wound down with lunch and coffee at a vegetarian cafe in kensington market, watched a movie... we know how to do. enjoyed the visit and now am enjoying being solo again.

saturday was a day from the storm, in a studio. record is mastered now and it's time we press and print.

need to figure out how to post songs to this blog - the little songs i make and will make while alone in the country.

back to work. more in a bit.

go

a photo of the officey corner of my living room, last spring (i believe those are tomato, marigold, and pepper seedlings by the window). will miss this beautiful home.

edgey today like on the brink of the difference between idle and active. on one side is the snooze button, 8hrs of uninspired slow programming, coming home to a supper of a sandwich, and watching a couple episodes of the wire. on the other side is waking up before the alarm, stretching, 8hrs of motivated and exciting project initiative, errands on the way home, minestrone for dinner, hitting the gym, scrubbing the tub/sink/toilet, doing the dishes... ta daaaaaa. what's strange is one side encourages the other.

tried to puzzle out the best times and distances via car, greyhound, GO transit for getting from meaford to toronto and back once a week. i never really thought about it. so last GO train leaves barrie at 7.15am and barrie is 1.5hrs away from meaford which means i'll have to be pulling out of the driveway at... 5.30am? eee that's mildly horrific. perhaps i'll come in the night before.

am in love with janet jackson's new hit and her dance moves. so buzzed by a few watches of the youtube vid, i pinged my gf to go dancing with me tomorrow night. OH YEAH.

good timing

spent a long day staring. looking at the screen, looking out the window. just kept quiet like i was doing real things when really the time was doing me. but 8 hours later i was with my boys and great guitar tone. set my pedal knobs like angel wings: the far left just left of middle, the middle one straight centered, and the right knob just right of middle. got home and turned the lights on in only one room, one that leads to an early bed time. almost...

had gazales eats with shoe and he told me about a guy that does't use time; it's useless to him. no clocks, no display on his computer. if he needs to know the time he googles "time". that way things can get done in 3 hours or 30 minutes and neither one is no thang. you can operate how you feel you need to without the tick tock on yr back.

i remember spending more of my life outside than inside. that was a long time ago. when only the sun measured our days and even then it was just a signal to sleep and start again tomorrow.

warming the chill

blizzard outside. coffee and warm socks inside.

i've been spending a little time exploring other people's blogs and my new love for google reader has kept me organised and up-to-date with the ones i've found. it's strange to decide to sort of make friends with someone without their knowing. maybe i'll come out of hiding someday and sprinkle some comments. till then... sorta fun to see the fruits of another human also pausing a moment to take notes. so far mostly gardeners; somehow the plants forge a universal kinship amongst us.

got a great real estate agent for the kawartha lake area. she sounded energetic and down to earth on the phone. "the people are so friendly here and it's beautiful!" looking forward to finding a home with her. i think it will work out. the muskoka agent has basically disappeared and i'm unimpressed. if i choose to get cosmic about it, it could be some sort of sign... that and there's a lot more to choose from in my price range in kawartha.

mom's coming to visit next sunday/monday. would like to help pack (aw) and get a dose of the city before her daughtaire ditches the place. my bro m was here earlier this week and i took tuesday off work to hang out with him. went out for a delicious breakfast, tried to find me a winter coat (found one at MEC but in too-small a size so just ordered a larger one online), and went skating at nathan phillips square. (who's nathan phillips?... wikipedia tells me a toronto mayor). we both rented skates that turned out to be super dull but it made for a hilario clownish time.

d arrived wednesday, on his reading week, and is staying till the weekend. so nice. as much as i'll miss living solo, i feel like i've done a good stint (a few years) and having company is/will be a nice change.

back to work.

can't sleep

a strange day for body and spirit. aside from the massive, disastrous fire on queen st. yesterday, the city is feeling odd. tho every time i feel a jolt of angst, i try to smooth myself over with a thought of appreciation... enjoy the time here cos it's almost over. try to savour the feeling of walking east on bloor in the cold mornings, with everyone else, with the car noises and street lights and shops opening up. but i know right now, i can't actually let it into my heart in a real way because i truly feel done here. i know i'm leaving this dirty, messy, stranger-filled, smelly, ugly place and i can hardly wait another day! alas i have... about 4 more weeks to go. but they'll go quickly, and once they do, and i've settled myself hours away... i'll miss it. luckily there will be reason to come visit now and then and i'm sure that will be more than enough. in the meantime why not try to relax and enjoy what's around me... a beer with good friends after work, swimming, seeing live music, art.

tho the emotional tug-of-war is sort of wearing me out, i think. today it feels that way anyway - an old anxiety is building. this afternoon at the office my stomach was tight and mind was racing. i even skipped a good friend's birthday gathering to nurse my unwell, agitated body. but luckily through the years, i've learned what helps ease it: meditation, eating well (less sugar, no junk, no processed stuff, herbal tea instead of coffee), excercise, baths, low stress social outings, and watching the thoughts - keep 'em healthy and positive.

on that note, i shall put myself to bed with ginger tea and imaginations of wide open spaces, fresh air, friendly faces, and all the calmness and pleasantries of a life less city... soon to be reality!

before and after

came to this city over five years ago exhausted... newly 23 and in a state, but weren't we all. untied myself from university, from love, from safety, from sadness and fear. months became years and time and experience evened me out: it's a good city full of places to hide and places to be seen, it's a good city full of friends, music, and opportunity. i wanted to leave as soon as i arrived but have since learned to love the time spent here and become a better person in learning to balance that. now it's time to move my matured and quieter self to the country where i belong... you know - knitting, baking, gardening.

rental

last night after the strange noises upstairs in my neighbour's kitchen settled down, i slept. it was a good sleep wherein i didn't wake up in the middle of the night to imaginary sounds of someone breaking in. scenes of escape, grabbing the phone and a jacket, hiding or darting through the opposite exit of the intruder, the faux adrenalin... none of that played out in my sleepy and confused head. the confusion didn't come till morning, post-shower, mid-lunch-making, when one of my upstairs neighbours knocked on the door saying she couldn't get the front door open. i tried too with no luck. i invited her through and we banged out my back door through mounds of snow and ice. i shoveled for a good 20 minutes, left a message for the landlord, and went to work leaving the other girls sleeping upstairs... trapped!

office space

sitting on the 7th floor, looking out a huge window across the horizon. i see the ROM, a tall crane, students criss-crossing st. george, buildings and buildings, lots of snow, and sunshine.

it's late afternoon so i'm sipping the last of my coffee and listening to disc drive on cbc radio 2, squinting at some code i've finally hacked into agreeing with me. soon i will stumble out into the chill and make my way down bloor, heading west. anything i need from the beer store? noah's health food? shopper's? weiner's hardware? grocery store? i'll wonder while dodging around the slower patrons heading home too.