a whole lot of nothing

Dad sent me a comic strip, many years ago, when I was kinda down in the dumps. It's on my bulletin board now and makes me smile. It's a picture of a bumblebee thinking, "Hmm, what's on my list to-do today?"...... "JUST BEE" ..... "bzzz....♥". This is basically my life on maternity leave. A whole lot of nothin but happily being and buzzin.

The Arch man is becoming quite the little lad... he's LOVELY. So gentle and happy and clever. This kid has made my life wondrous and I am thankful every day. 7 1/2 months already! Here he is with his aunt:

Other things on the go:

• IKEA Kitchen planner
• Chasing runaway dogs
• Feeling depressed about my fried garden and then saying "oh well"
• Manual removal of milkweed
• Looking out the window at a large pile of wood
• Being surrounded by home renovation materials
• Looking at commercial properties for sale and dreaming
• Celebrating 2 years married to a hilarious and lovable man
• Trying not to think about going back to work
• Writing a short story for a magazine contest
• Store orders

 Bzzzzz.... ♥

artist mother

I have all this time and all these ideas. How to sew the two together is still being worked out. I used to have nothing but time, in my early 20's, and even more ideas, and I did well to work them... I would stay up late with a typewriter wearing a nightgown and a toque, smoking cigarettes. It was a weird time but I was really productive, and I look back on some of my poetry, sketches, and writings and think "shit, that was good stuff"... and then feel a little nostalgic, tho I'd never go back.

I'm reading Patti Smith's memoir "just kids" and it's got me in a certain state of mind, like I'm reliving my own past in the background. Back when lofty ideas of artistry and the making of things were real and happening. Back when all the kids around me were doing the same thing. I lived in a house with artists and a rainbow coloured staircase in Baldwin village.

Life is better now but I want to get back to making artistic use of my time. Even if it doesn't mean anything to the outside world, it's good for me. I used to make music but now I don't care for it so much. I'd rather write. Or make videos. Or take photographs. Or I dunno. Anything. I still have many months before going back to work, and Archer is usually accommodating to whatever, so it's just the doing part. What to do and when. Hopefully soon it will amount to more than just drinking too much coffee and writing about how things used to be.

3am

The song "3am" by pal Jim Guthrie is in my head a lot these days, especially at... 3am. Arch is waking up roughly every 3hrs at night still, which is fine... but looking forward to a longer stretch of sleep in the coming months (fingers crossed). He's usually pretty good to eat and go back to sleep but last night at 1am he was lying in his cradle laughing and laughing - tiring and adorable.

It's been sunny winter days these days. Sunshine is the best. All I think about now when I stare out the window is gardening - I'll have so much time to garden this spring and summer, being on maternity leave, and I just want to grow so much food for us. We also have a freezer now and A will be eating food food so... lots of motivation behind me. D and I also always talk about wanting to eat more raw food... while we sip on coffee and boil eggs.

We sell organic seeds at our store so I'll have lots to choose from for my own garden. I've already started some flowers and herbs, and will continue to start seeds from now until spring. SPRING! Gotta go.

p.s. Got my bro to shoot our chickens... gulp. They were old, not laying too much, and requiring too much effort right now. Thinking we'll get a bunch of chicks in the spring tho.

my icies

It's sometimes hard to convince myself that A can hang on his own, awake, and be well. Well as in not bored not being stimulated, not somehow being made smarter by interacting with toys and me. But I can also tell it's good for him to chat with his own hands on a pillow in the sun - simple, quiet, reflective. Some baby zen. I'm watching him do that now... His little fists starting to rub at his eyes... he'll nap soon. I'm comforted by his ability to self-soothe, to sleep on his own accord. And these minutes I'm stealing for myself feel vindicated (this time).

We haven't been out in awhile. There is a thick sheet of ice at the bottom of the porch steps, all the way to the driveway. It's too close to the house to dump ashes on, but maybe I can find an old ashes-hole (that sounds funnily so much like another word) in the field and spread some of those. The general iciness of the world right now is a little scary to hold a baby in. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be mothering back in Toronto - I could simply walk places, on well-travelled sidewalks, and see friends, and go to a cafe, and sit in the world. It would be easier to do that. I'm more isolated here, on the farm, tho it's only cos I choose to let that icy path stop me...

We were quite the pair last week while D was away. He was helping paint his parents' Owen Sound house in preparation for selling it (!). There's a beautiful house here we're hoping they can move into. Will be nice to have them closer, for both them and us, and of course Archie. Anyway, it was just me and babe for several days. It was exhausting to not have a break, but also I felt something special I hadn't tapped into so vivdly before - a very clear, calm feeling in my body. Whole, clean, focused, well. Those awesome breastfeeding hormones most likely, but also maybe motherhood.

some days

Some days are tired... watery-eyed, weak, edgy. Hard to keep cheer in the voice, hard to muster enthusiasm, hard to be polite and interesting. Try to stay alert long enough to shower, careful not to let the knees buckle like they want to, to wash away at least one layer of exhaustion. Physically irritated - hair irritating, socks irritating, glasses irritating... on top of the sound of his insistent crying. Back especially sore, and wrists. Then at night, two hours of sleep feels like two seconds - 2.30am already? only?

Some days are well rested and fun. Waking only once in the night, and he eats and is changed without opening his eyes. The morning feels like victory and the afternoon is good. Even a fancy breakfast, and some productive day time moments on projects long lingering. Almost want to rouse him from naps to play and cuddle and coo (almost). We sing and dance... and the crying doesn't sound as bad, and stops quickly. Husband happy I'm happy. I'm happy I'm happy. Cozy and thankful... that's mostly how it is.