my icies

It's sometimes hard to convince myself that A can hang on his own, awake, and be well. Well as in not bored not being stimulated, not somehow being made smarter by interacting with toys and me. But I can also tell it's good for him to chat with his own hands on a pillow in the sun - simple, quiet, reflective. Some baby zen. I'm watching him do that now... His little fists starting to rub at his eyes... he'll nap soon. I'm comforted by his ability to self-soothe, to sleep on his own accord. And these minutes I'm stealing for myself feel vindicated (this time).

We haven't been out in awhile. There is a thick sheet of ice at the bottom of the porch steps, all the way to the driveway. It's too close to the house to dump ashes on, but maybe I can find an old ashes-hole (that sounds funnily so much like another word) in the field and spread some of those. The general iciness of the world right now is a little scary to hold a baby in. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be mothering back in Toronto - I could simply walk places, on well-travelled sidewalks, and see friends, and go to a cafe, and sit in the world. It would be easier to do that. I'm more isolated here, on the farm, tho it's only cos I choose to let that icy path stop me...

We were quite the pair last week while D was away. He was helping paint his parents' Owen Sound house in preparation for selling it (!). There's a beautiful house here we're hoping they can move into. Will be nice to have them closer, for both them and us, and of course Archie. Anyway, it was just me and babe for several days. It was exhausting to not have a break, but also I felt something special I hadn't tapped into so vivdly before - a very clear, calm feeling in my body. Whole, clean, focused, well. Those awesome breastfeeding hormones most likely, but also maybe motherhood.

some days

Some days are tired... watery-eyed, weak, edgy. Hard to keep cheer in the voice, hard to muster enthusiasm, hard to be polite and interesting. Try to stay alert long enough to shower, careful not to let the knees buckle like they want to, to wash away at least one layer of exhaustion. Physically irritated - hair irritating, socks irritating, glasses irritating... on top of the sound of his insistent crying. Back especially sore, and wrists. Then at night, two hours of sleep feels like two seconds - 2.30am already? only?

Some days are well rested and fun. Waking only once in the night, and he eats and is changed without opening his eyes. The morning feels like victory and the afternoon is good. Even a fancy breakfast, and some productive day time moments on projects long lingering. Almost want to rouse him from naps to play and cuddle and coo (almost). We sing and dance... and the crying doesn't sound as bad, and stops quickly. Husband happy I'm happy. I'm happy I'm happy. Cozy and thankful... that's mostly how it is.

waking arch

He stares out the window at the tree line, not really seeing it but feeling the shadows of trees. The sun is shining behind them, onto the bed. I'm happy to be raising a child in nature because it's a great presence, even unseen. We're surrounded, protected, kept. It's quiet and good.

He's especially happy in the mornings - well rested and cooing, smiling his parents awake, unable to resist the charm of an early grin. Fed and diapered and then one of us will make the coffee, rekindle the fire, let the dogs out... and the other will snuggle.

Not venturing out at all... will change that soon. For now it's fine to keep warm and comfortable and well. Tea, rattles, movies, bouncy chair, good dinners, music, naps, laundry. The cycles of our winter this year, the quiet and the good.

Vid from awhile ago, off the porch:

a steady string of minutes

The minutes string together to create beautiful spider webs of days. I'm like a spider collecting whatever droplets happen to fall, first admiring their beauty, first securing the lines. Elegantly moving from one end of the house to the other, holding my baby, stepping over pets, going places but not really, just a few steps but it's my whole world, it's my home.

I live within this space every minute, meaning to go for a walk but instead keeping here, inside. Am I stuck or just staying? Maybe staying stuck, happily. Staying in with my baby in my web of a home. Paths mapped out between email and firewood, between diapers and a view out the window, between food and a quick chance to brush my hair. It's all so easy but so full - the days aren't hard (I know what to do all the time), but they're hardly days (I don't do anything).

I love it, wouldn't leave it. Despite the lack of productivity I feel satisfied. I have a beautiful baby that I can and do spend minutes just staring at, just smiling. He coos and the whole day is worthwhile, my little tangle, the knot at the centre of my universe.

A new year

Good afternoon 2012! We didn't make it to midnight last night (ha!). I fed little man around 11pm, then we all passed out, hubby too. An appropriate beginning to the new year I guess, with a priority on sleep and snuggles. We did have some good food and wine tho, and reflected happily back on the year - a baby!

A beautiful, awesome baby. 2011 was also a lovely pregnancy - I enjoyed it for the most part, and stayed well and happy. The whole thing flew by fast. As usual, always interesting to read back on last year's NY post.

The store did well, we did a big trip to visit family in the states, and lots of cottage, city, and family visits. D made a lot of music, but alas I did not. Which brings me to...

Resolutions for 2012 (such a futuristic number)... read! read! and read! Sitting with a nursing or sleeping babe for the majority of my waking hours is prime reading opportunity... must take advantage of these quiet, plentiful times. One can only type emails one-handed, read up on "baby milestones", and research never-to-be-made elaborate recipes so much. I also aim to frequent the local libraries more often and "get into" books... as in, even read about what books to read. I miss them. What's reasonable? Maybe an easy to reach goal of a book every 2 weeks? Surely that's doable.

I also want to get into making dinner again. We've been eating lots of rice and cans of Jyoti, bagels and cream cheese, wraps, etc.

Reading and eating. That sounds good. Oh, and exercising...... at least trying to move more often than not. Music, we'll see. Maybe music with D.

2012!